This Is How You Turn Your Breakup Into An Opportunity For Growth
Raise your hands if you have been at the receiving end of these brutal words….
“We need to talk!”
“It's not you, it's me.”
This is how this whole shebang usually goes - You’ve dated him for months/years, you had discussed plans for future, you were committed and loyal, but, unfortunately, you discovered that he was either - cheating, commitment-phobic, just-not-that-into-you or in some cases gay.
You are hurt; I get that.........after all you just got dumped, my friend.
But, if you'd be so kind, allow me to show you the silver lining behind the DARK clouds of heartbreak (trust me there is one!)
But before that, here’s something that some of our community ladies said and we can’t help but admire these badass women who are crystal clear with what they want from a relationship.
#1. Always go by your gut feeling.
#2. Problems that we tend to ignore in the beginning by assuming that things will change eventually, those are the ones that cause a breakup.
#3. Life moves on and there's something better in store.
#4. Nothing stands in the way except our own reaction to the situation.
In the interest of NOT deflecting from the topic, let me announce that I am not going to delve into the ‘Raj meets Simran’ quintessential Bollywood love expectations that every Indian carries in his/her heart. My job is to share my thoughts on what I learnt from my breakups and in doing so I may be able to help you figure out what you can learn from yours.
Disclaimer: By the end of this post there’s going to be at least one breakup, as I’m sure my post-breakup-prophesy is going to inspire many SHEROES
PS: I’m merely advocating meaningful relationships and self-love!
“How To Move On After A Breakup”
So, the days that followed my breakupS (yes, there were quite a few, and have lots to share in this topic) I found myself miserable, felt unattractive and assumed I would never recover from the pain.
I remained in the confines of my room, dodged calls from friends, didn’t discuss my heartache with anyone and I swore off men, but for how long?
Here’s the thing – It wasn’t too long before I moved on and found my NEW NORMAL.
How you ask? Well because the heart knows how to mend itself and before you know it life moves forward on a continuum. Trust me the dated cliché “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” is spot on.
This article might help you out with - How To Forget Someone You Loved Deeply
In my efforts to move on from a failed relationship, I went through certain stages. While every relationship is different, the breakup aftermath remains pretty much the same:
Here are the stages after a breakup that’ll help you move on:
- Crying - You’ll cry like there’s no tomorrow (lasts for days or weeks and it really sucks)
- Denial - You’ll be in denial (when your broken heart can’t accept the truth you ignore and deny the reality)
- Self-doubt - You’ll constantly keep asking one question to yourself and your friends/family/colleagues/neighbour/the newspaper guy/the milkman - “Why me?”
- Relapse - You’ll do ANYTHING to win him back, but trust me he’s not worth it
- Anger - You’ll yell, you’ll argue, you’ll break stuff and I say it’s justified. (To tell you the truth, I lost many fancy pieces of China in the post-breakup week.)
- Acceptance - You’ll get tired of the bitterness and will come to terms with the truth.
- Hopefulness – Soon you’ll start feeling hopeful and will step back into the dating world (beware of rebounds)
- Closure and self-love - In the end you forgive, forget and move on (I know it sounds impossible, but it’s not.)
My Observation
I have noticed something about lovers when we are in love we do certain things that may be out of our nature. We go beyond our comfort zones, often prioritize our partner and we invest a big chunk of our time and energy in the relationship. But, what happens when that relationship ends?
When the love-bubble bursts you are left with all that energy but you wouldn’t know how to channelize it. This is when the broken heart bleeds with love sonnets and poetry. Writers (like Shakespeare) produce extraordinary literature, artists create masterpieces. And broken-hearted emperors build epic monuments like the Taj Mahal (Shahjahan’s heart too was broken, not because of a breakup but because he lost the love of his life to death).
Do you see where I am going this?
"What To Do After Break Up?”
Going back to my story, here’s what my after breakup world looked like - The weight of the failed relationship was pulling me down so hard that I was practically hitting rock bottom. I felt incomplete without my ex. The breakup made me feel like a part of me had been amputated, the pain was REAL.
However, as I went through the stages of the breakup I eventually reached a point where I was pretty much done with self-pity and pure-unadulterated- ominous-rage towards my ex and I was ready to LIVE.
I started with exploring my hobbies which had all taken a back seat because I deprioritized my interests and passion in the name of love.
So after your break up, I would suggest that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on to find the love you deserve. It may sound a bit counterintuitive but, I believe you should be celebrating because only when your unsuccessful (unfulfilling for either party) relationship ends are you open to the REAL DEAL.
The breakup shouldn’t leave you Broken!
After your break up (as hard as it may sound) you need to forgive the one who broke your heart and left you devastated. When you forgive you help yourself more than anyone else because the bottom-line is if you can’t forgive you can’t forget!
William Arthur Ward very aptly said - “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”
Use your breakup as an opportunity for self-expansion. A relationship (especially one of romantic nature) requires constant nurturing, in the course of which you may make certain choices that hold you back or prevent your growth. The post-breakup period is ideal to rediscover yourself.
During this challenging time, I would suggest that you relate your heartbreak with ‘Kintsugi’, the Japanese art form that advocates fixing broken pottery with lacquer coating and gold dust and the fixed piece look far more attractive than it did earlier. Isn’t your broken heart quite the same, sure there are a few cracks but in the end, you come out stronger and more beautiful.
People split, dreams shatter, promises break and the heart is left with many cracks – you feel you won’t be able to recover but once you start accepting your cracks and the imperfections in your life (love) story, you’ll evolve into a perfectly-imperfect version of yourself.
"What You Shouldn't Do After A Breakup?"
The one thing that you absolutely mustn’t do (and I can’t stress this enough) is drunk dialling your ex. Trust me, that never ends well (voice of experience!).
Heartbreak is alarmingly rampant in our country and after a breakup, many passionate young hearts take refuge in substance abuse and meaningless sex.
I advise that you take help from support groups, friends or family, take any/every possible measure to steer clear from this dark and dangerous path.
After a breakup, cynicism and anger are an easy choice and you may find comfort in branding yourself as a non-believer, I ask you one question….didn’t your ex move on with whats-her-name? (yaa, I know about the cyberstalking).
Which brings me to my next advice.
No more social media mingling with the ex because we all know you’d eventually end up obsessing over every social media move he makes.
After you have done all of that – go for a day of pampering at your favourite salon, get a new look, go out with your besties, flirt till it hurts, don’t fall into the rebound trap and voila you are good and ready to jump back in the dating landscape in no time!
Learn To Be In A Relationship For The Right Reasons
Let me share something that happened to a dear friend of mine - This 28-year-old, strong, stunning and independent woman is fierce in every aspect of her life - she thrives at work, lives independently in a 2bhk, drives an SUV, is fluent in 3 different languages and wears the latest fashion with such grace that you cannot, not look at her twice!
This same woman when in her boyfriend’s (ex) company would only dress-up in traditional clothes, won't contradict him even when she doesn't agree with him, and to top it all, when her boyfriend RESTRICTED her from creating a social media profile - she accepted!
As you might have guessed by now, I'm pro-breakup when the relationship isn't fulfilling and so, I sat her down and drew her a list of pros and cons of the relationship that was weighing her down.
Soon, she took the call and broke things off. Within a week she was ruling the social media landscape - as this girl had LOTsss to share and we liked (literally) everything she had to say and share.
Why is it a problem if your better half restricts you? - Well, if you are not a social media person, it’s perfectly fine to stay away from the platform. However, she really wanted to do this and was not ALLOWED. A relationship that robs you off your own independence sounds more like conviction/punishment than love. Such relationships can never offer you the kind of happiness you deserve.
Why did she find it so difficult to part ways?
Well, post break, a woman without the company of men is viewed as both pitiful and deeply troubled in our society. The common consensus is that if you are ALONE there's SOMETHING WRONG with you.
This encourages the ‘settling with what you have’ mentality and the relationship drags-on, even if, one has no innate wish to live with someone. In the end, you are forced to carry the burden of an unhappy relationship - this produces catastrophic results for everyone involved.
Do you know what we need to do?
You need to demand freedom of choice in your relationships (I did, and it turned out quite well!) and you need to ensure that you are staying for the right reasons (not just because you are terrified of changing a light bulb, getting rid of spiders and everything else that comes with the single life).
Remember, there is no shame in letting go, there is no shame in accepting you are over him, there is no shame in asking for more, most of all there is no shame in being YOU!
Sharing is caring you know, So Let’s Swap Some Stories
Before I end this breakup story, I can’t help but point out the fact that you know a LOT of my secrets by now, right? It’s only fair that you trade some of yours.
I'm tempted to learn about your post-breakup learning and while I am positive I have found my other-half it won’t hurt to be breakup ready just-in-case (writer uses unwarranted dark humour to sign off on a high note!)
Hey, where are you going you didn’t pay your dues yet, comment on your breakup lessons and you’ll be good to go!
Learn to be in a Relationship for the Right Reason
Find your self-worth, i.e love. celebrate your singlehood and understand the difference between lonely and alone. Rediscover yourself.
You can take a cue from Rajkumari Damayanti who is embracing her singlehood unabashedly and celebrating it with SHEROES.
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19 Dec 2018
