‘Love’ Is Not Only For The ‘Young’, Love Yourself, And You Will Meet Romance Too
As LoveDoctor I get a lot of questions from women that feel like they are “too old” to find love. Or they are holding on to a bad relationship because they are scared that they won’t be able to find someone else. When did love become something only for the under 30 set?
42 year-old actress Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden in a ceremony last year, and in her speech mentioned
"I waited because I refused to settle."
Let’s take a look at a conversation between Pooja, a 30 something professional woman, and me, where we speak candidly about leaving what no longer serves you and moving from a space of fear to love.
Hi, I am turning 34 this year. I am in a screwed up relationship that I am not able to come out of, and my heart tells me not to marry the guy.
Another concern is really scaring me now – my age. I will need time with myself before I move to another relationship or consider a guy for marriage. That means I will need a couple of years and by that time I will turn 36. I have a good academic and professional background.
Until I move out of this relationship, take time to breathe and find myself, I won’t be able to move on, and think about love and marriage. But I am not able to leave him, and I want to.
Do I have time to uncomplicate my life considering I am 34? Is it really not possible for a girl in her thirties to find a guy for marriage? My friends advise to leave this guy and do an arranged marriage ASAP as I do not have time. I am in a totally indecisive state at the moment.
So, I said:
Pooja, If your heart is telling you to get out the relationship, listen. After moving out of any relationship, ESPECIALLY a screwed up one, taking time to heal and figure out what makes you happy is always best. This ensures you get yourself to a place where you can be ready for a lifelong partnership. And holding on to this guy is not going to get you the love and life you want, na?
Your friends may not be entirely wrong. After all, in India as a woman gets older it can seem harder to find partners. But I am a single woman in my 30s and don't have any problem dating and meeting people in a large city in India. :)There is hope. And platforms like Shaadi.com, TrulyMadly.com, and other dating/marriage apps really help, by bringing people together.
As do activities with friends and people you may like. Ask yourself why does age matter when you are looking for a lifelong partnership? For women, typically that pressure is there because many women want to have a family. Do you even want kids? If not, no issues. Breathe. If you do, don't lose hope. There are great fertility treatments out there these days. As well as options to freeze your eggs, which many women are doing to be able to delay childbirth until it suits them. You can also adopt, the volunteer with kids, etc.
Where does this pressure come from? Is it from you? Is it from "society"? Who told you that waiting for a big love, a love that matters, that makes you feel free, that helps you grow, and that serves you is wrong to wait for? Question all of your assumptions. Even why you feel "safe" with your bf and stay in a relationship that clearly does not serve you. Question why. When you get an answer-question it. Only then will you truly be free for the love you seek.
For the freedom you crave to take two years to discover yourself. Deep down, your heart knows what it needs... I heard a quote that ‘the distance from the heart to the brain is often long.’ How long will it take you for the message from your heart to get to your brain so you can take action, I don't know.
I do know that you are not alone. And no one should make decisions out of fear, rather than out of freedom. Ja, ji le apni zindagi, Pooja. :)
She wrote back: Thank you. I will definitely delve into these "whys" for the deeper answers. Yes, my heart says how can a person falling for me otherwise, not marry me because of my age? Love is an emotional affair. Age has nothing to do with the connection between two people. I do not know why I am succumbing to societal norms. I was always a girl of free will who wanted to chase dreams, marry the one she loves. Yes, my age is worrying me a lot because in our society age is a concern, especially in small towns.
That feeling that I will remain lonely scares me. What if I am not able to find a soul mate? I do want kids. In fact, I want all the earthly pleasures any person desires-soulmate, kids, etc. Will I be able to live a meaningful life as a single woman? Will I hope to find someone in my late 30's or 40 's? After all, in this age group, one looks for a companion who is mature, has seen life and has evolved as a better version of oneself.
I am really in a fix. I am not looking for arranged marriage as I am not able to break commitment with this guy, though I do not talk to him. Mentally, I am still stuck with him. I want to free myself, find myself, fall for a person who respects me truly and then marry.
Otherwise, I will stay single forever.
Pooja, Why are you holding on to the guy? Is it fear? The hardest lesson in life is learning to let go. We hold on to things because we are scared, and we CHOOSE to believe there are no other options.
How does it follow logically that after the age of 35, love dies? Isn't love beyond all things, just like you said? And after all that life experience, being fulfilled in your own right as a woman with experience and wisdom just makes you an EVEN BETTER package.
Your have two choices. You can choose to believe that life is over and you are getting old and say"oh God what is going to happen .." or you can CHOOSE to believe that you are waiting for the right person and being the best you, in preparation for that partner.
I do want to say, there is an option in between sticking with this guy who is not even there. Go out, meet people, use dating apps, join social groups, make new friends and do all the things you love. When you bring new energy into your life, and stop only listening to those well meaning but tired friends giving you advice based on fear - you will see your mood, life and your energy change. You will become more ATTRACTIVE!
And then some cute guy is going to come along and make you forget this one, and you will see what you have been missing. By holding on to something not right for you, you are not LIVING. You are just existing.
If you want a family - keep yourself healthy, consider freezing your eggs. If you want love - GO OUT AND MEET PEOPLE. If you want to change, change. Your life is on the other end of your fears. And when you see what is waiting for you, you'll wonder why you were ever scared.
You say stay single all your life, and I smile because you could be one of the rare, hot, single, smart women in her 30s that didn't settle for fear, and waited for utter and complete joy! And wouldn't that be a story worth telling? :) I have faith in you. You have to believe what you are seeking is seeking you.
This article was written by Avani Parekh, Founder and CEO of Lovedoctor.in