Deal with Your Angry Husband Without Sacrificing Your Dignity

What is it like to be married to an angry man?

Women, married to an angry man know it, but most of the times they don't admit it. Anger shown by the husband is considered as a part of 'being male' and is usually kept secret, especially when it occurs in privacy.

An old article published on Oprah Winfrey's website explains,

The sole purpose of your husband's anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a:

• Protector
• Provider
• Lover
• Parent

Are you one of those women whose husband is constantly angry? No matter what you do to make him happy, it only seems to push him further over the edge. Are you exhausted of having to guess what kind of mood he is in all the time and being terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing because the smallest trigger can cause him to blow up?

We know you are probably feeling weak right now but believe me, you are not alone and that makes you strong.

You are a strong and badass woman. You shouldn't have to apologize for being yourself. Before doing anything, it's good to work on your confidence first. Try this...

'It is not my fault.'

Repeat it. Say it louder. Say it till it starts to make complete sense.

Now, let's deal with the issue...

Anger is a strong emotion and if left unchecked, it can ruin even the strongest relationship.

If you feel you need some advice on how to deal with your husband when he is angry without sacrificing your own dignity, we have you sorted. Here are some tips to try:

#1. Don’t be Afraid

Don't fear his anger. More often than not, anger stems from a general lack of actual power. It is a result of not having control over one’s situation. Despite what is popularly believed in our culture, anger is actually a sign of weakness and not strength.

As the popular saying goes, barking dogs seldom bite. Strong, confident men don’t need to resort to anger. It is often a mask for insecurity. During the moment of anger, it is his inner insecurities that are doing the talking, not the man who loves you and claims to be your life partner.

#2. Avoid adding fuel to the fire

Don’t respond to his anger with more anger. The most important trait about anger is that it’s temporary. If you let him be angry with himself, he will calm down eventually. But if you respond in anger and contribute to the argument, you are only making it worse and the fight will last much longer. Anger passes but harsh words said to each other can leave scars that hurt forever.

#3. Let him calm down

Talk to him about his anger only after he has calmed down and is more rational. Sometimes people who are prone to anger may react badly even if everything is going right and according to his wish. But pointing it out while they're furious only makes it worse. Wait for him to calm down and then address his behavior. If helpful, share some anger management techniques.

#4. Set limits

The biggest mistake a couple can make is not clearly defining what they’re willing to tolerate around the house and what they aren't. Discuss with your husband and set boundaries and make sure you both stick to them. Setting boundaries and making sure that they're known to your husband is the most effective technique of anger management around the house.

(Also Read - How To Bring Back The Spark In Your Relationship)

#5. Apologise if you’re wrong

Instead of reacting impulsively yourself. Think calmly and objectively about what triggered his anger. Be honest about this. Was it something that was your fault? If yes, just say the words ‘I am sorry.’ Taking responsibility for one’s wrong actions and apologizing for them is something every single couple must be in the habit of doing. Nothing melts an angry heart like a sincere apology. So if you have contributed to escalating the situation, say that you’re sorry.

#6. Help him manage his anger

More than anything, your significant other needs to know that you both are a team. You’re on his side and not against him. You need to communicate constantly and let him know that you accept him and love him. This will help stop making him feel insufficient.

Let him know that you separate the actions from the man. You love him even if his actions hurt you sometimes. He may find peace sooner if he knows you are with him and you will help him heal.

#7. Respect yourself

You need to remember that if you don’t respect yourself, no-one will respect you. You need to make yourself a priority and put yourself first. You need to set limits about how far are you willing to accept his behavior and how much is too much. If you feel that he is crossing the line, you need to stand up for yourself. Respect yourself. And don’t let anyone disrespect you.

#8. Know when to walk away

Sometimes, we don’t have a choice but to make difficult decisions. You have to take them if they are called for. If all your efforts are truly failing and your husband is making your life just too miserable, you need to reassess the situation. Happiness is a choice and if the bad outweighs the good, he's not the man you married anymore then you have to make a difficult choice to make. Assess the situation from all angles and think about whether you stay in the relationship.

Measure the different things that tie you to your husband such as emotional attachment, kids, etc. Is it enough to make you stay or will you be happier if you move on in search of a better quality of life?

Remember, abusive relationships are toxic for everyone involved. Everyone suffers in homes that are full of anger including you, your husband and your children.

#9. Don’t be afraid to seek external help

If you’re in a genuinely very toxic or abusive relationship where your husband’s anger issues can pose a physical or mental danger for you, you need to get out.

There are several NGOs that help women in violent and abusive relationships reclaim their lives. Don’t hesitate to reach out and seek professional help. Nothing matters more than your own life and well-being.

Here’s a list of NGOs that can be contacted:

a) Azad Foundation -

Tel: +91 11 4060 1878

Email: azadfoundation@gmail.com

Website: http://www.azadfoundation.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/AZAD-FOUNDATION/150560224895

b) Helpline Law -

http://www.helplinelaw.com/family-law

http://www.helplinelaw.com/family-law/DVLI/domestic-violence-in-india.html

c) Angala -

Tel: +91-80-25492781 / 25494266

Email: angala1@vsnl.net

d) Aasra -

24 Hour Helpline: 022-27546669

Office (10am to 7pm): 022-27546667

Email: aasrahelpline@yahoo.com

If you are comfortable, you can share your toxic relationship here in the comment. Or you can join our Non-judgmental Sheroes Community to meet and share with women who have faced a similar issue and have moved to a better life.