Sleeping With A Friend And Now Confused About Your Feelings?
Before we begin let’s get one thing straight. The no-strings-attached scenario is not for everyone. You should be absolutely sure about it or you could get your heart broken.
Having a friend with benefits is more the norm than the exception in our times. With our increasingly hectic work schedule, our ambition to be the best version of ourselves and our effort into achieving our goals, we are hardly left with time to invest in another person, let alone a relationship. A relationship needs to be nurtured and given time. On the other hand, an FWB situation is easy to handle. It is easy and includes amazing sex with a person you are comfortable with.
However, as shown in almost all the movies a casual sexual setup soon turns into a romantic love affair. But unlike shown in movies, in real life, it’s generally only one person who falls in love and the other person is just not in that emotional space, which leaves the other person high and dry.
What does “friends with benefits” mean anyway?
A friends-with-benefits relationship is often regarded as ideal for someone who wants to have sex on the reg but not in a committed partnership. And although there’s some truth to that, this kind of relationship can play out in a million different ways. Maybe two co-workers occasionally escape for quickies on their lunch breaks. Perhaps former lovers decide to rekindle that sexual spark without the emotional investment. Or it could be a couple of college friends who just like to Netflix and chill on the weekends.
The setups vary so widely that you might begin to wonder: “What exactly is friends with benefits?”
“Friends with benefits is a type of relationship where, ideally, two people have a platonic connection and use each other for sex. There’s no romance, there are no dates, and there is no commitment.
Advantages of friends with benefits setup
If you play it like a pro, there’s more to gain than to get hurt as opposed to the prevalent notion.
Don’t even think about the movies where the ‘friends with benefits’ end up falling in love. It doesn’t happen always! Here are 10 reasons why it makes sense to venture into this feared yet much-desired relationship.
1) Well, first things first, the sex is great! The guilty pleasure of having sex with a ‘friend with benefits’ is orgasmic. Since you both are in it for sex, and sex alone, you are all up for experimenting, and who doesn’t love that?! It’s an enormously different experience from having sex with your ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’.
2) Where’s the time for love? You are already working your ass off trying to make it big and really don’t want ‘a thing called love’ to step in and hold you back. More obviously, you just don’t have the time to fall in love.
3) You won’t be judged. You both are already unabashedly revealing the grey side of your personalities, so what’s there left to be judged?
4) There’s no drama – nope, nothing at all. No interference in each other’s lives makes this situation ideal for a no-strings-attached physical relationship that doesn’t feed off feelings.
5) Moving on from a ‘friend with benefit’ is not even slightly as hard as it is to move on from a breakup in an actual romantic relationship. Since it is strictly no emotions involved, you will be back in no time. No tears shed, no hard feelings and no urge to look back.
6) There’s no room for expectations. You meet, have a good time, have sex, and go your own ways. Nobody expects a lovey-dovey post-sex text or a late-night call. There’s an unstated understanding, that you might not be the ‘only’ fuck buddy of the person you are fuck buddies with.
7) This kind of relationship doesn’t actually demand any commitment. You are having sex and if you ever get bored from it, you simply talk it out and move on. You don’t have to ‘have to’ stay or try hard to make it work. If it isn’t working, it isn’t working.
You might also want to read - 50 Shades Of What She Actually Wants
So what do we need to do to have a successful FWB situation?
- Do not choose a person you like a lot as an FWB. Because that would invariably turn into a love affair from your end once you start having sex. Do not expect that having sex would automatically turn your FWB into a romantic alliance. If putting out was the solution to such one-sided love affairs, the world would have been a different place.
- The foundation of any FWB is great sex and if that criterion is not met then you should rethink why you are in that FWB. Because if not sexual satisfaction what else is it that you are looking for? Maybe you just need a friend or just need sex.
- Carefully think about what you want in your FWB situation. If you want emotional support then FWB is not what you want. If you want no strings attached sex for simple sexual gratification, nothing more and nothing less, then FWB is for you.
How to sustain a FWB situation
Let me just say it at the outset. I for one, can’t do it because I crave emotional and intellectual stimulation along with sexual stimulation and if I am seeking all these things, then I am attracted to him in too many ways to keep my heart from getting involved.
But if you want to venture out, experience things first hand, you should definitely go ahead!! And to sustain an FWB here are a list of things which will come in handy!
Everyone must always ask for consent.
Consent is so important when you’re fooling around with anyone, whether it’s a one-time hookup, an ongoing friends-with-benefits relationship, or even a spouse. You and your partner need to be clear about each other’s boundaries.
“Consent is crucial, and it operates on several levels, not just sexual,” says Knight. “You can get and give consent around social things as well, like whether or not it’s okay to tell someone information about your friends-with-benefits relationship or if you can leave things at their apartment. And with sex, never assume consent. Just because you did something once doesn’t mean your partner will want to do it again.”
Condoms, always. But not for that reason.
Even if neither of you is sleeping with other people, and even if you’ve both been honest about the last time you were tested and the results of said test, going rubber-free still feels especially relationship-y. In an FWB scenario, skipping the jimmy hat says, “We care about each other as more than friends.” You’re in dangerous waters.
Having a hot person handy for company parties and various happy hours is hella tempting, but resist. Introducing this person—as cool as they may actually be—to various other folks in your regular orbit crosses a line. Not that you can’t take your FWB pal out in public, but non-bedroom hangs should be limited to the occasional breakfast date. Otherwise, you’re dating.
Friends with benefits don’t get jealous.
The whole philosophy behind friends with benefits is that it’s a fun experience for two people without the added requirements that typically come with a full-blown romantic relationship. But with the lack of a commitment comes the potential for your friend to have multiple partners.
Jealousy can creep up unexpectedly if you find out your friend is hooking up with someone else. Why does this negative emotion arise, even when you’ve made no commitment to exclusivity?
Curb day-to-day communication.
You cannot, CANNOT, have your FWB as the person you share everything with. Happy news, you have your family, sad news, friends, dog etc but not your FWB. No can do, baby doll!
Ban sexless sleepovers.
Don’t let FWBs venture into new territory by staying over without some banging (or even just heavy petting). That breeds a different kind of intimacy, which breeds new expectations.
Sick? See ya.
Seriously, don’t do sex with people with colds. It may feel kind and right to bring along soup or something, but you simply cannot. Any kindness you do for your sex friend when they’re ill will be perceived as a signal that you want something more, so plug up the geyser of empathy within and stick to a quick “Feel better soon!” text. Similarly, if you’re the sick one, you’re not allowed to request kombucha delivery or dog-walking services from your FWB. Sorry. That’s what Instacart and Rover are for.
Set a time limit—and stick to it.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? WRONG. FWBs traditionally work well as hell until they hit a wall, and you’ll want to nip it in the bud before that. The key is to end things before they stop being fun, which can be especially tough to gauge when you're getting, like, orgasms. A good rule of thumb is five weeks—just long enough to really master one another's G-spots but not so long you start to internalize their roommate’s work schedule.
Friends with benefits as a system are constantly being reworked and figured out. It's new to all of us and the rules of the game are not one size fits all. We hope that the ways mentioned in this article will help you steer through this sorta arrangement effectively. Of course, It isn’t foolproof. Nothing is. Therefore we would like to hear from you.
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Have you ever been in a Friends With Benefits relationship? What did you learn from it? Tell us in the comments below.