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Rachel Gojer
22 Sep 2015 . 4 min read

Taking Back Control When Life Hits Rock Bottom


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We all like to plan our lives. But the hard fact is that life often takes its own course. As much as we would like to, we can never have complete control on how things work out for us. At some point we find ourselves at a place where we start wondering -what am I doing here? It could be the end of a relationship that we are emotionally invested in. Or the loss of a job that you valued a lot. Or the failure to meet a goal that meant a lot to you. Either ways picking oneself up at such a point can be tough. The impact on both our confidence and emotions can be overwhelming and stressful.

When we are in such a situation the feelings can be conflicting. Broadly you may feel the some or all of the below:

1) Feeling of not being in control: The thing that shakes us the most is the feeling of having no control on our lives. As humans we all love the "illusion" of control whether on our own self or the lives we live. When this illusion breaks it can be difficult to come to terms with.

2) Feeling of failure and shame: Often such situations make you feel that you are not good enough. It must be something about you that made it happen. This can have a huge impact on how you see yourself. Not being good enough is a fear we often carry from childhood and it is easy to perceive losing something or someone as inevitable because you didn’t deserve it.

3) Feeling of guilt: It is also easy to blame yourself for the problem. Surprisingly such feelings can also exist for situations where you may have chosen an outcome. For example I have seen women walk out of a bad relationships and feel responsible for not having made it work.

4) Feelings of betrayal: This is a strong emotion one feels when someone lets you down. This is even stronger if you are unable to find the reason for being let down.

However low you may be feeling at some point you will know that you want to get over it. You need to give yourself time to grieve and for the pain to lessen and at one point you will feel the need to break through the pain. And if you are at that point read on:

Remember you are not the situation: The situation is what it is. Your circumstances today do not define who you are as a person. While you may feel that things are out of control today it does not mean that they will continue to be so forever. We are all transitory creatures and if you need proof of that look back on happier times. Things and circumstances change. What matters is that you see the situation for what it is. A transition into the next phase of your life which could be brighter, happier and more fulfilling

Accept the situation: Denial is an easy way to avoid pain but accepting reality can be tough. Acceptance however is the first step to move forward and beyond the pain. Acceptance is about admitting to the problem without feeling guilt and ashamed. Things are what they are and the focus needs to be on moving on rather than dwelling on why.

Seek help: If the problem is overwhelming seek help. Find someone that you can talk. If a friend is hard to find look for professional help or online support. There will always be a support group who can understand your pain. Seek professional help to deal with depression and anxiety. Putting your feelings and emotions in perspective can often make dealing with them easier.

Focus on the future: How do you want your life to be 6 months from now? Visualize yourself 4-6 months down the line and ask yourself who you would want to see yourself as. How would you like to feel? What would you like your life to be like? Then focus on what needs to change for that to happen. Start with the smallest and easiest changes. You will be surprised by the impact even small changes can have on the way you feel.


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Rachel Gojer
Rachel Gojer is an ICF Professional Certified Coach and an NLP Master Practitioner. She calls herself an Excellence Optimiser because she believes her life's purpose is to help others find excellence in themselves. She supports clients to live to their highest potential in both their personal and professional life by overcoming their limiting beliefs, finding their purpose and growing their strengths.

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