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27 Feb 2017 . 4 min read

My Husband Turns Deaf Ear To My In-Laws’ High-Handedness. What Should I Do?


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Q. I  live with my in-laws, and I have discussions with all three of them which eventually leaves me cornered. They say things that are disrespectful but my husband doesn't think so and he just sits quiet when his parents say all the things. I feel he doesn't stand up for me and I feel I am losing respect for him. I don't know what to do. 


A. Changing your husband's thoughts instantly is not possible as may be he is conditioned to think like this and if you try to turn it upside down immediately impact would be rather negative. Aditi is right that making more connections, more time with your family or may be some group events involving both the families would bring him closer to them too. It is about developing sense of belongingness that comes with time, right? 


Original Poster: True my husband thinks since I’m a girl and  married into the guy's family and should consider his family as mine but he has no responsibility whatsoever towards my parents- he only cares and will only care about his parents, brother and wife. I find this unfair and hurtful. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore. 



A6. There is nothing wrong with both of you treating the other one's family as their extended family. What do you think ? He also married into your family, yes ? It wasn't just you who got married to him. What do you think about sharing some ways he can connect with your family? And while he is trying those things out - you can take some time off from his family and plan on how you can connect with them.

 

Original Poster: Yes I agree we can't change them so I have changed the way I react to them, I’m keeping distance and have started to create my own social life. however, I feel guilty that I am not being a good wife/daughter-in-law? how do I deal with this.


A5. Being a wife or a daughter in law should not come at the cost of your own personal health :) Any negative emotion will take time to process out of your mind, however the unhappiness of something / someone because of you staying safe is not something you should be trying to accommodate. What do you think ? 


A4. Hi sorry for your situation, But what do you think would be the possible solution under such situation? Knowing for the fact that all this is affecting your mental & physical heath? Do you agree that we cant change a person but we can definitely choose how we react to it? So is there a way you can change the way you respond/ choose to such situations without you being affected? 



A3. It is really hard to let go when someone tells you something that upsets you and you feel like your partner doesn't have your back. Do you have other people that support you? Friends? Family? That you can talk to and feel as if you have someone in your corner. 



A2.  understand how frustrating that must have been ! Do you think it would be possible for you to suggest a way to mend the gap ( with your in laws ) and ask your husband to help convince them ? It might be a very difficult decision for him to take sides in a discussion where he loves all the people involved. What do you think of that approach ?

 

Original Poster:  I have had anxiety attacks for the last few months and I told him I keep thinking what his parents have said and I am very hurt by those, but he only tries to justify them and tells me i am over thinking and to let go. It’s hard to let go.

 

A.1 I'm really sorry that you have to go through this loneliness. Have you had a chance to talk to your husband about how things are making you feel ? If you have been strong and not talked about how upset you feel, there is a slight chance he may be thinking you can deal with what is happening.



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