Do My Open Legs Mean A "Yes" ?

What is consent I asked myself?

When I would say no to phone sex or nudes, he would ask me to come on video call just fully clothed, so that he could cum to my face.

As much as I didn’t want to do that. I thought well at least he’s not asking me to be naked, he is compromising and this is the least I could do.

So I would lay there watching him do whatever he did and feel the inside of my body turn.

What is consent I asked myself ?

While he parked the car in the basement of a tennis court and asked me to shift in the backseat of his car. If I refuse he will think I don’t love him.

I chanted to myself it is okay, that it wasn’t a big deal anyway his ex did it, people do that. Even though I questioned by existence in those fifteen minutes being cramped in the backseat of his car trying to remind myself that this man loved me a lot.

He opened his pants and asked me to give him a hand job when suddenly the guard came and I thanked my stars as we rushed out of the place.

What is consent I asked myself?

When he parked his car near the sports complex where my mother worked out, while I saw my mother’s friend pass by. I wanted to shout a plea for help. I wanted to run away in that moment. He parked the car and opened my bra. I could see people watching us and it killed me inside. but the only way of it ending was him being satisfied, so I used my hands as fast as I could never looking at him.

It had started to feel like something I was supposed to do. So I did it more often I spent time holding his hand. Outside the cemetery, outside his old school. My chastity for the world to see. Well because he loved me and my body was a means to his end.

What is consent I asked myself?

When I was beneath his body, why should it matter I thought myself again? I love him, he is the love of  my life I repeated to myself. while his hands searched for mine and directed them to please him.

Another thought breezed through my brain that my body had pleased him more than it used to hold him in an embrace. I started referring to my body as an it. While the movements of our bodies synced I felt my heart drop, but I felt that maybe this is how it feels and plus it’s not like we are having sex.

It’s just making out and there is no need for consent. I should probably try and not cry while his breath follows the nape of my neck and his hands leave traces of wounds that will bleed until next time.

What is consent I asked myself?

While I was at his house and we had broken up and I was apologizing while he held me by my waist and said that my body was very comfortable.

That being the only reason he’d even consider talking to me at that moment, when he took off my pants and I asked what was happening. When he tried to enter my shivering legs again and again, while I clenched on the mattress real hard while I let him do whatever he did.

Even after I tried to show him that indeed my legs were shivering. That indeed he didn’t love me. That indeed I should run away. That indeed consent exists and I do not consent this. But all I did was,  I lay there and let him do whatever he wanted because he was the love of my life.

What is consent I asked myself ?

One week after I had lost my virginity to the man who never wanted to see my face or hear from me ever again. while I sat at the end of my bed bleeding, trying to call him up and I realized he had put me on block.

And when he did pick up my call he called me a skank. Because I hadn’t been able to break up with my ex of six years. Because it was okay for him to enter my universe just because he couldn’t  control himself around me.

Because as soon as he saw my body not me. He forgot all the betrayals I had given him. It was okay for me to be alone and be shouted at and called a slut, whore and skank. Because he consents himself to touch, kiss, hold, my body.

Because he consented himself to take my virginity as a mark of his territory. Because he consented himself to hold me it in his arms and hate my guts. His consent silenced mine.

What is consent after all?

Does it exist if the person asking for it is the one you love? How can you give consent to someone who is your better half. How do you equate their touch for abuse? Their love for assault?

How do you shout out a screeching NO while all that comes out is a I love you?