Being A Divorcee Is Not My Identity!

Last updated 9 Apr 2018 . 6 min read

"I remember coming back from work one day, I was trying hard to not feel the loneliness in my life, no intimacy and the unresolved baggage of in-law problems. I remember hearing voices of my parents, his parents, and our relatives in my mind as I tried not to panic.


All the voices were questioning whether I should be unhappy, whether I should be even thinking of divorce? I continued to listen to the voices for many years and ignored the most important voice in my life — My Inner Voice.


I had suggested counseling to him to open communication. I really wanted to talk and resolve the issues. His response was “I think YOU should go” so I went alone to a counselor for some emotional support. Fear of “Log Kya Kahenge” and how will my family deal with my decision to separate forced me to stay unrealistically hopeful that someday the relationship will turn around.


Until one day when I felt suffocated in the marriage to the extent that I couldn’t breathe, I took big steps to rush out from the living room where he was working on his laptop towards the front door, opened it wide and gasped for air. Tears rolled down my eyes as I tried to catch a breath. Following days were torturous as I went through the process of making up my mind that I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy! I want a loving and intimate relationship versus a marriage without it.


Finally, I took the steps to file for divorce, I will tell you that it wasn’t as easy as I thought even though I had made up my mind. It hurts and the grief takes over when a relationship breaks even if it isn’t a great one because even if you have a bad marriage at least you have one, your mind starts playing tricks on you and it starts focusing on the stability of having a marriage even if it’s an unfulfilled one.


I went against my mind and with my heart, I chose my vision for real love & connection over stability. I felt a range of emotions starting with guilt for standing up for myself ( am I being selfish?)to fear the unknown ahead. I was going through all of it on my own without anyone by my side and soon it started affecting my health.


My blood pressure dropped to dangerous levels because of stress and one morning I woke up with severe neck pain. A meeting with the doctor gave me a jolt. My thyroid was off the charts and doctor told me to strictly be stress-free. That day I realized how well connected our mind and our body is! The body responds to every thought we think and every belief we hold close to us.


I decided to take charge of my life and my thoughts.


I knew I needed to speak to someone to share all that I am feeling. I found a coach through a common friend, went through 4 weeks of coaching and every day I worked on my mental peace. I wanted to resolve every negative thought and emotion I had been holding inside me. That was the beginning of my personal growth and empowerment. And just in time, the divorce was finalized.


I was free! Only problem was I didn’t know how to start a life on my own — alone.


Now I am on my own and single, so how do I start my life from here on? I had moved back to India after 10 years in Toronto so I had no job and no social circle.


The first thing I did was created a list of things I wanted to pursue but hadn’t experienced them so far. This is what my list looked like:

- Download my favorite music on my iPod

- Join Salsa Dance Classes

- Support a charity organization for kids and dogs

- Create a business plan to start a business


I realized a few months later that all of the above satisfied my core values — love, connection, contribution, and be an inspiration.


The second big void I felt was lack of human connection and interaction. So I went online to google all meet up groups and joined all the groups that interested me including that of Business owners, women entrepreneurs and local city groups. I made it a point to go to every networking event in the city and just meet new people. Meeting people and developing a social circle worked like magic!


Someone from social circles introduced me to the founder of Floh Network for Singles. I thought there was no harm in putting myself out there and be open-minded to meet single men now. I fixed a meeting with the co-founder of Floh who is a beautiful soul. She not only explained how it worked but also asked me to facilitate a session for members on how to dress for events at Floh or for dating. As an Image Consultant, I was thrilled! New life, new projects, new friends, everything was starting to flow beautifully!


I am very grateful to my mom and dad for always being there for me. They taught me to think for myself and always said: “it is your life”. They may not have understood my reasons and my choices but they always respected my decisions.


I made a decision that I will continue on my journey of love, connection, and contribution as a lover, as a daughter, as a friend, and as a Coach to anyone who is seeking personal growth!


Scrolling through the SHEROES feed one can come across women who are living life on their terms and are unapologetic about it. Giving their best and making it work for themselves. Similarly, Madhulika Verma shared her life story and we couldn’t help but re-share it with all of you in this article.  An inspirational read and there is more to it. You can read the full article here. Kudos to your fighting spirit, Madhulika! We are proud of you.


SHEROES - lives and stories of women we are and we want to be. Connecting the dots. Moving the needle. Also world's largest community of women, based out of India. Meet us at @SHEROESIndia

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