A Really Honest Guide to Not Losing Your Head While Getting Back To College

Last updated 26 Dec 2016 . 5 min read

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Don't we all love to put things into lists. Moreover its natural to love the numbered stuff. Here’s some numbered stuff in list format to help you not suck in higher education. You’re welcome.

Go to class. Like 210% serious. I don’t give a toot if you’re a get by on nothing, A+ slacker. You’re fricking paying for this crap so you might as well get the services owed to you. Take your ass to class even if you zone out 99% of the time. You know 1% more than you did when you walked up in there. Congrats, woman.

All that free time you have during your first week of classes? Make it your bitch. Don’t just print the goddamn syllabus and be like all done. Hell no. Take a good long ass look at that assignment list. What’s due next week? Yeah, do that stuff now because I know you don’t have anything else to do. Then when you’re coughing up a lung six weeks into the semester and don’t feel like getting your butt up to do that statistics homework, you’ll remember this week. You’ll remember that you’ve been a week ahead this whole damn semester. Pat yourself on the back, you genius.

Prepare yourself. No seriously. You got notes to print for class? Sure you could be like all those other toots and just shove them into your backpack, or you could actually prepare for class. I’m talking looking that ish over, identifying key concepts, getting a decent grasp of the material before your butt is even in class. You a STEM major? Yeah, make this kinda stuff your life because now class is like one bomb ass group review session. Again, you’re welcome.


4. Snack like a hungry hungry hippo, but save that junk food for the weekends. From now on, you are a fricking health guru during the week or if you’re a slacker like me, at least on the days you have class. Fruits? Hell yeah. Pack some of those. Mind wandering in class? Snack on some apple slices. Can’t stay awake? Keep eating some almonds or something, but don’t be that idiot with the potato chips. Just don’t.

5. Read. Yeah, you heard me. Read and I’m not just talking assigned reading. I bet my left butt cheek that your campus library has something of interest to you. Commuting and don’t want to drive out there? Library databases womannnn. We’re in the digital age, genius. I’d bet my other butt cheek that the toots you want are in a nice little PDF somewhere. But na, you thinking maybe you want to go into computer science? Check out computer science books and eat them up. You don’t like reading them? Probably not the field for you. You a biology major in your second year? Yeah dumbass. Time to break out the bio books and not the ones your professor is shoving in your face. Amaze your friends and teachers with your out of class knowledge. Be a goddamn star.


6. You remember that syllabus? With all the numbers and homework? Get yourself a paper/digital calendar, put that damn thing somewhere noticeable, and write down all important dates and events. Assignments due? Check. Exams and tests? Check. Classes? Check and checkers. Now step back and proudly watch that Idiot’s Guide To Ish You Need To Get Donenicely laid out in front of you. A visual map of your semester makes everything easier! Brownie points if you can always see next month too, because hot damn now you know when that winter is coming and can get some ish done a mile ahead of time.


7. Got some time between classes? An hour or more? And it’s not already set aside for lunch? Go look at your assignment calendar you just did and do something inane and stupidly easy for one of them. My favourite thing to do is find a journal article/paper or two for those damn reports and research essays you’re gonna have to eventually do anyways. Is the paper big? Write a small summary on each paper you’ve read on your next break. Literally some stupid tiny paragraph of notes on the thing. Even steal a quote or two and put it in quotations so you know it’s a quote. Write the ish up as a reference (CMS, APA, Wikipedia style , anything seriously) because your butt knows that’s the most annoying part. Suddenly when you need 10+ sources and 5+ pages of writing you’ve already gotten all your sources done, and look! Your dainty little note paragraphs are now beta paragraphs for your essay. You should know by now what that paper is about, so write yourself a summary sentence. Turn that into an intro paragraph, copy and reword it with evidence from the rest of your notes for a conclusion, and bam. You’ve got your beta essay. Edit that toot and done! Assignment submissions on time, every time. 



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